Hey TechSis

 

For the longest time I found it hard to reconcile my love and curiosity for technology and the thoughts that I wasn’t good enough. Even after each significant milestone like getting my degree or becoming a software developer, this thought now became when that I could cut it in the industry. I mean sure the predominantly men environment plus other issues added a whole new dimension to it but the truth was that even when I had proved to myself that I could do all those things that voice still remained. Coming up in the industry I would see women who seemed so sure of their abilities and walked with an air of assurance that were making it. One of those was a classmate of mine who graduated top of our class. I would listen to these successful women in tech talk about how you needed to be confident. No disrespect to them because they were right to an extent. But I would ask myself where was this illusive confidence that seemed to allude me, the way they made it seem was as if it was something that was being sold at the supermarket and all I needed to do was go and grab it.  Like where was this confidence that was up for grabs.

This confidence continued to allude as I progressed through my career, it was only when after not having my contract renewed after my first developer position I had to take a long hard look at things. That is not to say that prejudices within the my working environment did not lead to this disappointment, but I realized I couldn’t change how certain people viewed things all I had was myself to work with. Like that Maya Angelou quote “If you don’t like something change it, if you can’t change your altitude.” All of us depending on our background, history and experiences have had certain things spoken over us or have picked up beliefs from our surrounding based on cultural or traditions.

Mine was, “you are a girl and you cannot do this”, even after I got my degree this lingered. This belief had engraved itself so deep in my subconscious mind, it was part of me and moved with me without me even knowing it. It would come in the form of self-doubt or self-criticism .If I was given a task and I would be nervous about doing it, then if I succeeded the next obstacle would be the fear that I won’t be able to do the next one. The thing about something in your subconscious mind is that you are not even aware that you are thinking it and have no way of stopping that destructive thought till it informs your actions and choices unlike something that you are conscious(aware) of. I knew something had to change in order for me to thrive in my career instead of dealing with the same limiting voices over and over again.

At first I did not know where to start, but once I acknowledged that I had an issue. I was lead to books about the power of our subconscious thoughts and how some of these can be from things we heard, told or even taught throughout our lifetime. Every time one of these beliefs were triggered by me doing a task, applying for a position, or anything I did. I was now able to understand the root of it and tried to deal with it accordingly as being a false narrative or limiting belief. This by no means is a simple process but one that is a journey on its own. One which I credit for giving me the courage to do some of the things I am doing right now that I would never have done. One such doing is choosing backend specialization, or writing this blog.

So techsis what am I saying, I am saying that go get that confidence that is up for grabs. I don’t know if I would call mine confidence, but it is a sturdy foundation and assurance that allows me to do what I love and even though it can be shaken at times. It is strong enough to withstand the shaking, but it starts with you, within yourself. There are enough battles on the outside we deal with, lets win the one within ourselves. And find our place in the tech space regardless of what anyone says.